Once I dated a man whom I thought I would marry and build a family with—something I hadn’t desired until him—but we broke up. Even though we made this decision together during a loving, respectful conversation, we felt deeply perplexed that it had come to this. You see, we had been friends for six years before dating. We were incredibly in love and shared the same faith, alignment in our core values, and hopes for creating the same future. He was sweet, responsible, funny, and ambitious. He’d often compliment me on my strength, creativity, and my you’re-going-to-be-a-phenomenal-mom skills. We shared mutual respect, admiration, and an irresistible attraction, feeling genuinely elated simply being by each other’s side. Yet one of our biggest hurdles I believe was our inability or unwillingness to demonstrate true understanding for the other.
Early Tension and The Cost of Unspoken Expectations
Aware of the tensions we had to sort through, we knew exactly what our trouble spots were. Failing to examine why they arose in the first place was what got us. Without getting curious about why we were doing the thing the other disliked/asked them not to do/didn’t understand or want to discuss, instead, we low-key accused the other of not living up to our unspoken expectations. Given we were a new couple, we hadn’t yet learned how to work together, so when the reality set in that we were not carbon copies of one another, sadly, we gave up.
It was This, not You
Let’s break this down a bit further because, after all, we were not bad people nor bad for each other. As it turned out, we were simply going through something individually and not using our words.
For example, it wasn’t that I was constantly mad at or unhappy with him as he would often misinterpret when I asked him for more. I was abruptly pulled from my organization at work and removed from the team and Director (and mentor) I had worked with for six years, then placed on a team I hadn’t agreed to join, despite previously declining their recruitment offers. As a result of this abrupt change and my grief, I became miserable in my new position. At that same time, I was caregiving for my mom with Alzheimer’s. Grappling with frustration and a deep sense of helplessness, I felt burnt out, really scared, and sad.
In his case, it wasn’t that he was neglecting me or not making me a priority which was often my misinterpretation of things when he seemed to want me less. He was a traditional man raised in a culture and country vastly different from mine, navigating workplace hurdles with extended demands while balancing career ambitions with family responsibilities from a whole continent away.
We were each wrestling with profound personal and professional challenges, and those struggles inevitably seeped into our relationship. What I needed was a partner who could hold space for my pain without trying to fix it—offering presence, empathy, and stability when my world felt unsteady. What he needed was a partner who could understand the weight of his cultural and familial expectations, providing reassurance and patience without mistaking his need for space or focus as a lack of love or commitment.
So, what does my love life have to do with you? Your work?
Well, lots. In Sanctuary Centers blog “Context is Crucial: The Importance of Seeing the Whole Picture”, author Derek Cowsert quotes Colleen Star Koch who states “[Without context] we miss important information and key facts. Until we examine all our context, we cannot see our entire situation clearly and accurately. Context is important because it helps us understand the broader circumstances (two lovebirds overworked and stressed out) that may be impacting how we feel or our inner dialogue (I’m not a priority for him/I can’t make her happy) which naturally affects our ability to take effective action (An unnecessary break up instead of a resilient marriage).” Had we looked past recurring offenses and instead taken a beat to understand why they were occurring, or had we put things into context, rather, we’d be married with 3 kids by now—a joke he’d often make to me.
The Takeaway
I recently watched a Better Together on TBN episode about praying for your marriage; I’ll summarize it here as it perfectly segues into my main point. The key takeaway I’ve gained is that we can’t truly understand our partners, friends, team members, and leaders if we only focus on their recent actions. Instead, we need to view them as God does, considering the entirety of who they are. This means seeing their qualities—their loyalty, kindness, faithfulness—and not letting short-term frustrations cloud our view. Often, as adults, we view our relationships through the lens of past experiences instead of through unconditional, selfless love; what the Bible calls agape. This love is a deliberate choice to love sacrificially and despite offenses. When we see others through the lens of agape love, our perspective shifts, leading us to respond with deeper compassion and understanding.
Let’s strive to understand our people by considering what experiences may be shaping their current actions. If we filter interactions through love and understanding instead of pain or disappointment, we can approach them more fairly. I realize that had I focused on the bigger picture and remembered my partner’s true nature—his loyalty to me, his care and provision for me, his protection over me—small conflicts wouldn’t have felt as significant. Keeping a big-picture perspective and considering the full context reminds us that a few rough moments don’t define us. With time, grace, and agape, we can work through anything and come out just fine, together.
A note from Erin: If these ideas or perspectives resonate with you, I’d love for you to subscribe or share them with someone you care about. If you’re looking to make a change, or when the time feels right, I’m here to help. Check out my new “WORK WITH ME” page to explore how we can collaborate—or swing by my “CONTACT” page to say hello, ask a question, or start a conversation.
