I’m convinced that most workplace dysfunction isn’t just a strategy problem. It’s a character problem.
More specifically, a deficit of curiosity and courtesy.
….
It was Day 4 of my church’s annual 21 days of prayer and fasting. The focus that morning: Outreach. And what struck me is how rarely we talk about outreach as a leadership posture — especially at work. So before I began my prayer, I typed this into my Google search:
“What is outreach in a biblical sense?”
In simple terms, biblical outreach is faith in motion. It’s taking what you believe about love, service, and hope and extending it beyond your inner circle. It’s not just saying you care. It’s feeding, helping, mentoring, listening. It’s putting skin on your convictions.
I made a mental note.
After our prayer time, I felt a renewed burst of inspiration. I grabbed my laptop and opened a doc with a draft I started a year prior. I found it so intriguing that when I thought about the attributes I often encourage or embody in my work, I noticed that the first nine that came to mind not only have strong business value — like outreach — but all begin with the letter C. Fascinated, I decided I’d explore this in a blog post one day.
That day has come — exactly one year and one day later. And I wrote the entire piece that morning in one sitting.
Strategy matters. But without character, it fractures. That’s why what we’re facing isn’t just a strategy crisis — it’s a character deficit. And the antidote is what I call Influence Without Friction.
If you’ve ever left a conversation feeling small, dismissed, or unnecessarily bruised, this one’s for you.
Let’s start with Courtesy.
During the 2020 election period, I saw a YouTube interview featuring two men debating their political views—one Conservative, the other Liberal. While they had different points of view, what kept me engaged was their mutual demonstration of civility. They took turns speaking and listening. They didn’t know each other, but if you tuned in to the middle of it, you’d think they might’ve been colleagues educating the other about their whys, providing context to help each other understand, not condemn the other for having a different way of seeing things.
They were firm in their stance and had conviction, but not the kind that required steamrolling someone else’s manhood. No one raised their voice. No one put the other down. No one tried to win by making the other look intellectually bankrupt. And you know why I believe this “debate” played out the way it did? They had one thing in common: a shared moral framework. They were both Christians who cared more about representing Christ well than “winning” the argument; WWJD 101. So while they had opposing political views, their foundational core values were ultimately the same.
Whether you’re at work, in a relationship, or discussing politics, attributes such as courtesy, civility, and consideration matter hugely and shape the outcome of those discussions. They are the difference between leaving a conversation full of hope or full of fear. Energized or drained. Buying in or tuning out.
Put it to the test: Imagine a coworker pitching an idea you disagree with, but they’re dismissive, cutting you off, and making you feel small for questioning it. How much are you actually listening? How willing are you to find common ground? Or follow their lead?
Which is where Character comes in.
It’s nice to be recognized for our contributions at work, rewarded for our ideas, promoted for our talent. I’d simply rather work alongside people who get there while also respecting themselves enough to respect each other, too. Someone who won’t think they are superior simply because they got promoted or were acknowledged at the All-Hands meeting because their territory was killing it.
Not taking anything away from those achievements. I love a good trophy moment. I’m just saying… what if you crushed quota and crushed ego?
How? Like this: what if that same person mentored a junior rep? Did research that propelled the whole team forward? Helped a teammate with their pitch deck. Actually meant it when they asked ‘how was your day?’ and listened to the answer?
What if they prayed with you over a deal you were trying to close, or a decision-maker you needed to win over? Over a trustworthy caregiving facility, you desperately needed to find, and a pay raise to afford it? What if they advocated for you when you weren’t in the room, not because they had clout, but because it was the right thing to do?
Someone who can disagree with you and still leave your dignity intact? Who won’t spread gossip or talk badly behind your back?
You can’t tell me someone like this isn’t just as deserving of recognition. That this kind of behavior doesn’t affect the bottom line because it absolutely does. It’s a different kind of success. The kind that doesn’t just hit targets—it moves people. Builds trust in high-stakes moments. Creates the kind of influence that elevates everyone around them, makes people step up and raise their own game.
Don’t you want THAT person on your team? In your corner? Don’t you also want to be them?
On to Curiosity vs Heat.
I once had an intern. During onboarding, we outlined their 30-60-90-day plan, a communications agreement, and working hours, which I let them choose. Over the course of the summer, however, I noticed they were coming into the office later and later, which wouldn’t bother me ordinarily, but this was a matter of principle. THEY chose their working hours, after all. When we finally sat down to discuss this, I didn’t lead with heat, disappointment, or irritation. There was no “sooo… we need to talk.”
While I did express the importance of their role on our team and how we relied on them, I didn’t shame them. Instead, I got curious. I asked them about what was prohibiting them from showing up at the time they chose and committed to, and if there was something I should be aware of or could help with. In return, instead of defensiveness or deflection, they took full accountability, apologized, and provided the context behind what was going on, which made complete sense to me.
I offered a few solutions, and by the end of the meeting, we had a plan to resolve the issue, which they implemented that day, and never had an issue with it again. And when I say never again, I don’t just mean for that summer. That intern ended up returning a second summer to intern with me and a year later accepted a full-time position on my team.
In 6 years of working together, not only did that problem never arise again, but that’s how we handled all our issues—though we didn’t have many—which only strengthened our trust, connection, and loyalty to each other.
Not because I led with heat—but because I led with curiosity.
(…or jumping in.)
There’s another side to curiosity I wish we were more mindful of, and that seems to be harder for people in higher-ranking roles or more experienced to tame: Jumping in.
Just because you’re a VP, 55 years old, an older relative to someone, a facilitator of something, doesn’t mean you know it all. And that’s okay. You’re not supposed to.
Ask questions. Invite dialogue, not your monologue. If someone tells you they are unpacking something you said, or processing a new concept shared in a group setting, fight the urge to jump in and accidentally deliver a TED Talk no one asked for. Instead, ask them if they would mind elaborating. Or what they’re contemplating. Basically, leave room for a conversation, not just your knee-jerk opinion.
We don’t learn when we speak; we learn when we listen.
(Which, yes, is inconvenient news for the loudest person in the room.)
Professionalism, Reconsidered.
The traits we dismiss as “soft” or non-professional are the very ones that determine whether work flows…or fractures. So when I say my work is rooted in faith, this is what I mean. Not religious performance, but character in practice. Which is why I believe faith belongs in the workplace. Because when you embody these ways of being, you don’t just do your job — you shift atmospheres.
You become salt of the earth in a world that often rewards flash over substance; A model of professionalism, wisdom, and credibility. The kind of leader people feel safe around.
And isn’t that what we all want to some degree?
A teammate you can disagree with and still respect.
A VP who looks out for you even when you’re underperforming.
A founder known for thoughtful conviction, not reactive commentary.
A leader who asks questions before forming assumptions.
Someone who inquires to understand, not to condemn.
What I’m getting at is if you want real impact, then remember this:
10 Cs for Influence Without Friction:
- Character
- Curiosity
- Courtesy
- Connection
- Civility
- Compassion
- Context
- Consideration
- Conscientiousness
- Christ (C’mon, I had to. Yes, I originally had nine, but let’s be honest — there was always a tenth.)
You don’t need a new title to practice these. You don’t need permission either. You need intention.
So… which ones will you embody today?
A note from Erin: Thank you for being here! If these ideas or perspectives resonate with you, I’d love for you to subscribe or share them with someone you care about. If you’re looking to make a change or when the time feels right, I’m here to help. Check out my “WORK WITH ME” page to explore how we can work together—or swing by my “CONTACT” page to say hello, ask a question, or start a conversation.