How to Truly Support Someone—Without Making It About You

You voted, I listened! This was the #1 topic you wanted me to write about next, so here it is. Let’s talk about how to relate to someone without accidentally hijacking their moment.

Empathy Without the Ego

Family, friends, general public—I know you mean well. You’re good-hearted people who would never intentionally hurt anyone. But there’s something that happens a lot: at times, in trying to relate, you end up hijacking the moment. You might think you’re being supportive, but it actually comes off as inconsiderate. So, I need you to hear me: I forgive you, truly. But it’s not okay.

When Support Misses the Mark

When I was laid off after 7 years at a company I loved, colleagues chimed in with stories of their layoffs from a lifetime ago. How your ancient history is somehow supposed to soothe my very right-now wound, I’m not sure, but, gee, thanks!

When I first opened up about a childhood trauma to a few close friends, I was told, ‘Well, someone has it worse.’ Right because clearly, hearing about someone else’s pain is exactly what I needed to feel better about my own.”

When I was curled up in pain from cramps that felt like internal warfare, someone asked what was wrong. I told them—only to hear, ‘Oh, I only get cramps when I ovulate.’ Cool. Super helpful. (Why are you here?)

When I traveled to Africa—the land of my ancestors—and later to Jamaica, bursting with excitement over experiences I’d never had before, instead of curiosity, I was met with comparisons. ‘That’s cool, my buddy went there too!’ or, ‘Oh, reminds me of my vacation in Europe last year.’ Oooh your buddy ‘went there’ too? My bad, I thought you asked me about me. And I’m sorry, friend, but what does your year-ago vacation in Europe have to do with Africa? Like… it’s Africa!”

And when I found my mom on the floor after a devastating fall—an image that still haunts me—family members who weren’t even there pushed me to take on one more thing that night, completely disregarding how I was feeling or how exhausted I was. When I tried to express my sadness, my fatigue, my trauma, I was met with, ‘Well, we’re all experiencing trauma from this.’ Uh, no you’re not…

Has anyone else felt so invalidated, unsupported, or emotionally robbed?

Relating Isn’t Always Supporting (It’s Not About You, Boo)

When someone shares a painful moment or a meaningful experience, it’s easy to jump in with your story. You think you’re showing empathy or relatability, but often, it does the opposite—it shifts the focus away from the person who’s being vulnerable and onto you. And that’s NOT helpful.

Instead of trying to relate, just be present. Be curious. Ask about their experience, their emotions, their thoughts. If you genuinely have something supportive to offer, do it generously without making it about you (or dismissing them).

Because at that moment, they don’t need to hear about your aunt, your neighbor, or your old college roommate who went through something similar. And honestly, they don’t need to be in the position of consoling you, too. 

Even well-meaning humor or subject-changing can feel dismissive. And saying “Let me know if you need anything” to a friend battling depression? Again, not helpful. When you’re struggling, are you really going to text someone and say, “Hey, I need support today”. Can you do X, Y, and Z for me?” Nah, fam. You’re likely just trying to make it through the day.

If you’re thinking, ‘Okay, I get it, but what does good support actually look like?’—I got you. There’s a short but powerful video I first saw a few years ago that breaks this down perfectly. It’s by Brené Brown and it shows the difference between true empathy and the kind of well-meaning but cringe responses that leave people feeling even worse. Trust me, it’s worth a watch. And while you queue that up for later, let’s get down to business with some real, practical ways to support our people that keep the focus on them.

What to Say Instead—Words That Actually Help

Small shifts in how we respond can make all the difference. Try:

• “That’s really tough. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.”
• “I can’t imagine how that feels, but I’m here for you.”
• “That’s amazing! How does it feel to finally get to do that?”
• “Thank you for sharing this with me. I appreciate you trusting me with it.”
• “How can I support you through this? What would feel most helpful?”
• “That’s worth celebrating! Want to do something special?”
• “How incredible—tell me more about what that’s been like for you.”

And if someone is struggling? Don’t make them figure out what they need—offer something specific. Instead of, “Let me know if you need anything,” say:

• “Can I bring you dinner this week?”
• “Want me to come over and just hang out?”
• “I’ll check in on you tomorrow.”

Let Someone Else Have Their Moment

Your perspective might feel helpful to you, but your presence is what actually helps them. A listening ear, a genuine check-in, and an offer to help without putting the emotional labor back on the person who’s already struggling.

And that’s really the heart of it—when we shift from reacting to truly supporting, we make the people in our lives feel lighter, not heavier. We become the safe space, not the extra burden.

And if you’re wondering why this matters beyond personal relationships, take a look around your workplace. How often do we unintentionally dismiss a colleague’s tough day with a quick ‘Yeah, I’ve been there’ instead of truly hearing them out? How often does someone’s big win get overshadowed by a ‘Well, I did that last year’? We don’t just want to be better friends—we want to be better coworkers, better leaders, better humans. And that starts with knowing when to step back, listen, and let someone else have their moment.

Look, we’ve all been that person at some point—the one who meant well but accidentally made it about ourselves. No shame in that, just self-awareness. The good news? Now you know better, so you can do better. Next time a friend or teammate shares something heavy or meaningful, you’ll be the one who helps them feel seen, not steamrolled. 

And hey, if you’ve had an ‘oops’ moment (no judgment here!), drop your story in the comments. Let’s learn from each other. I’ll start.

(Feature image designed by Freepik)

A note from Erin: If these ideas or perspectives resonate with you, I’d love for you to subscribe or share them with someone you care about. If you’re looking to make a change or when the time feels right, I’m here to help. Check out my new “WORK WITH ME” page to explore how we can collaborate—or swing by my “CONTACT” page to say hello, ask a question, or start a conversation.